And Then She Was Gone | Estrangement, Emotional Hinterland & Olive Branches
"But what happened between you and your mum?" Everything and nothing is my answer, because the path to estrangement is never a simple one.
Prelude and note of caution: In 3.5 years, I’ve spoken/mentioned my estrangement from my mum a mere twice on Instagram. I didn’t want to poke the bear or stir the pot - or any other cliche analogy along those lines. I also didn’t feel it was fodder to keep the hungry masses sated with dirty laundry style content. But equally, I want to share, discuss and open up the complexities of parental estrangement - because it’s only when we talk about these things that they become less shameful and isolating.
Equally, I was afraid to field the questions and judgement. So hopefully, this post goes a small way to answering some questions, but please know, judgment is still not welcomed. Unless you’ve walked the smallest distance in someone’s shoes, or know every single detail (which even a long form post like this won’t be able to offer) I will not abide comments along the lines of “…but she’s your mum/but you’ll regret this when she’s gone…”, that would be projecting your own feelings and experience onto mine. Just sit with those feelings and appreciate, that perhaps we don’t feel the same way - and that’s ok.
Over the last few months - with major milestones like H turning 18, my 40th birthday and Christmas - there’s been times I so deeply wanted to share how those very present moments felt without my mum. I also have a fastidiously chronological brain, so it seemed unthinkable to share the now, without first having logically explained the who, the when and the why.
So, I suppose there’s no time like the present to share how and why there came to be such a chasm between me and my mum - from my point of view (which I’ll do my best to temper) anyway.
She was a regular on my Instagram for years; bringing her joyous soul, quick wit and mothering warmth. Her energy was gravitational and you could all feel it through your screens. So it was always going to be impossible to keep the fact she was no longer around a secret - she was gone, so suddenly, so firmly, so very completely. And that has largely remained the case for 3.5 years.
What Actually Happened That Day?
It happened on Monday, 6th of September 2021 somewhere between 9 and 9:30am. It was nothing, but everything. Over in under a minute. The moment it happened, I knew things were different, but I couldn’t have predicted just how different.