Chaos, Control & Conflict | When Co-Parenting Doesn't Work
Cos' it's not always as simple as 'being the bigger person' or merely 'wanting it to work'.
I’ve seen a couple of posts along with comments recently (on the other app) that made me want to shout at my phone. Posts regarding co-parenting, it’s beauty; it’s supportiveness; it’s grown-up-ness; it’s selflessness, and the vista from the moral high ground on which it perches.
It’s definitely something those people should be proud of and shout from the rooftops about (sincerely) - after all, despite how easy a quick snap and hashtag may have it look, I know it takes a lot of work, compromise and strength.
But, for 14 years co-parenting has been unattainable for me, so I acknowledge the skewed and disillusioned lens through which I see these posts. They’ve felt like a little jab at those of us not ‘working hard enough’; who are ‘too bitter and resentful’; ‘aren’t prioritising our children’s wellbeing’ to make co-parenting a success. Because, these posts might have you believe, that’s all it takes. And quite frankly, doesn’t take into account when you’ve procreated with a [fill in the blank, cos I’m not getting lambasted for this one!]
Like with a lot of things on social media (inherited wealth, race, age, gender, sexuality, ability, health etc) certain things, when spoken about from only one perspective, need to be mentally caveated with the word ‘privilege’. Because as someone who has been unable to co-parent beautifully (or even basically) with the father of 2 of my children for well over a decade, I do not have the privilege of choosing to co-parent, and choice seems to be the outward assumption of these posts and comments - even if not the intention of the ‘poster’/commenter.
I don’t think I have a unique POV, but certainly more rounded, in that I’ve been in both positions. That, where co-parenting is impossible and that where it is possible. I’ll briefly touch on the latter first…
When Co-Parenting Has Worked for Me…
Over the course of our 12 year relationship, there have been two occasions (mostly lockdown related) when Russ and I have lived separately; both times unsure of our future together. I talked about this a little more in THIS recent video. But wonderfully, both very much invested in Casper’s wellbeing and as reasonable, mentally mature adults, without a traumatic or toxic relationship, we were always able to (and chose to) effectively communicate, negotiate and spend time together.
For the brief periods when we were living apart, this ensured minimal stress and maximum love and happiness for all involved. Sure, it took restraint, resilience and patience, but it was bloody lovely, and I so very deeply wish this was the case for all parents and children living apart.